FORGET everything you thought you knew about water polo

The Middle-Aged swimming caps, the public schoolboys too soft for rugby, the horses...

This is a sport in which ‘brutality’ is an official term as well as an occupational hazard.

This is the excuse to disobey virtually every sign at the swimming pool apart from ‘no petting’.

This is arguably the toughest sport in theOlympics.

I had done a bit of research before arriving at the Manchester Aquatics Centre for a taster session with the Team GB women’s team.

But nothing prepared me for the demands to come — as much as nothing will have prepared you for the sight of me wearing Speedos. Believe me, it was the least of my humiliations.

After only a few minutes of practising the basic types of one-handed pass, the first problem became painfully obvious — it is exhausting just to keep yourself afloat.

Fiona McCann said: “People see it as swimming but when you are swimming you are going one end to the other and you have a rest at the end of the length.

“And you are only swimming for a few minutes at a time. But water polo is an hour, really. You have small gaps in between but, basically, you’re moving the whole time.”

GB head coach Szilveszter Fekete, a former Hungary star, added: “Water polo players will be some of the fittest athletes at the Olympics.

“Rugby is a very big contact sport but just for 10-20 seconds, then you can rest. This is a contact sport in every position, every second.”

Ah, yes, the contact. Playing as the equivalent of a centre-back in football, it is McCann’s job to patrol the ‘pit’ in front of Team GB’s goal and stop the opposition centre-forward shooting.

What I didn’t know was her nickname — Butcher. And I was to be the, er, meat.

As a well brought-up young man, I was initially reluctant to manhandle a lady in a swimsuit. But if I was to have any chance of not drowning, making space to receive the ball, escaping the Butcher and scoring, I was going to have to play dirty.

With a bit of pushing, holding, ducking and diving, just once I successfully broke away to force the ball into an empty, makeshift goal.

But McCann, 25, ruled my effort out because I used two hands to score.

She never needed to stop me with a ‘brutality’ — a blatant kick, punch or elbow which leads to immediate ejection.

But water polo players are masters of the dark arts.

Chloe Wilcox, 25, said: “The most common thing is you get bruises all over your boobs. It’s the easiest place to grab.

“And if you don’t like the girl you are up against you grab and twist — the nipple twist. There’s biting.

“Don’t put your head under the water because the referee can’t see. You’ll get kneed or kicked or punched. People will bite you to get you off — or just because they are weird!”

McCann added: “There will be someone in the pit fighting, someone on the wing fighting, the ball will go over someone that’s also fighting. There will be a goal one side and someone fighting in the corner.

“It’s mad to watch. There’s always something happening and you’ll never get bored.

“It’s great for TV as well because you get to see the replay.

“Watch the Butcher doing her work.”

In the end, the Butcher went easy on me. The worst thing I suffered was a cheeky pinch on the bum while posing for a photo. Well, they are only human. (the sun)